Soul Diary... a conversation between Self & Soul

Here is my first installment for my Soul Diary.


I sit here now and I’m like “this post is too raw, too real, too much” while Soul whispers “it is just enough… you’ve always been enough.”  I trust you Soul. You’ve never lied to me. You’ve hurt me and broken me, yes…. but you’ve always also rebuilt me into something even greater, using my pain as my fuel to return me to my greatness.






<3 <3 <3




Dear Soul…


We’ve been through some serious stuff this year, haven’t we! Regardless of how much we went through, we made it out alive. We pushed until we got through it and we both know, that alone, was a huge feat. But here we are again. We are still wondering what on earth are we doing and why do people even want to hear what we are thinking? There are people who do so we will keep sharing. Right? Right!


I just finished showering and it was cathartic. I reopened parts I had sealed off. These parts were festering fractals of me that were decaying. They needed to be purged- left to bleed until completely emptied of the poison born from the pain. I didn't realize how much needed to be purged. It has literally taken me an entire day to write this. So many times I leaked the pain from my eyes. So many breaks were needed to help me remember I have already survived this time of my life. So now here goes- a conversation between Self and Soul.


I was thinking back to last night. I had the most profound conversation with one of my most dearest friends. We spoke of things we have never told another soul… each of us having suffered such tremendously traumatic wounds from life in general yet we still manage to unconditionally love others with such a fierceness. Thinking back on this totally got me started on other things. Only a small handful have ever met me in person so not many would know the journey my physical and spiritual body has been on for the past year. Man, has it been a journey.


Last spring was a time of fasting and purging and clearing and growing. That I did. We did all of that together, Soul. You helped me so beautifully as I sorted through all my confusions. I began to embrace you fully for once and the trickle of abilities became a torrent. All those things I spent my life trying to stifle broke through that dam and just exploded back into my awareness. I finally released the last of my fears and stepped into that spotlight you’ve been trying to shove me into all this time. I know you knew I still questioned it all. I couldn’t help but feel I’ve been imagining all of this and that maybe I really, truly am insane. So you did the only thing that could have finally shown me what I am, who I am, and what I am here to do.


Summer came and the great reveal happened. You sent me back to California to experience one of my greatest metaphorical deaths to date. My god was it painful.  Soul, you nearly killed us with that one. I came so close to the brink. So many nights I cried myself to sleep. So many days I hid in that hospital bathroom icing my eyes in hopes nobody could tell I had been crying.  I felt so weak for feeling. I felt like a weakling. I don’t know… I think I cried so regularly everyone became accustomed to the swollen look of my eyes. The swelling helped to hide how much my eyes had become sunken and my entire face gaunt.


I can’t. I can’t share this. I’m still so angry and it still feels so unfair. I know I asked for very specific things, all of which you gave, but did it have to cost me so much pain? Don’t bother answering. I know what you’ll say- YES. I also know you’d tell me to keep writing because someone reading this right now is needing this right now and as I am about to type I don’t want to share, I hear my little ones talking to each other saying “sharing is caring” over and over.  I hear you, Soul. I know. So here I am… sharing some more. Just like you keep asking me to do.


So summer… we were talking about that summer. I had asked you to prove to me I could do these things you were having me do. I asked you to send me someone with a serious medical condition that could be documented before I began the work. I wanted proof. I wanted modern medical documentation of the efficacy of my diagnostic abilities as well as documentation of the results of my use of Kathara. I thought you’d send me a stranger but instead you sent me my mother. You knew she is probably the only patient I could have been sent that would make me take my abilities to levels I have refused to reach.


I’m looking back, remembering, and that sick feeling is coming back. I still feel so cheated. You broke no promises to me. You delivered on everything I asked but did you really have to rip open all the places I had already begun healing? Those wounds, I don't think they’ll ever heal at this point. I’m finally back to a place where I can function but that ache will never go away, will it? I will always have that longing- the craving for people and places and things I will never have. And I hear you right now… “use that pain as the fuel”. If we are being honest, sometimes I just want to tell you to your face “fuck your fuel. I want peace” but I know where that gets me- MORE PAIN, MORE FUEL. So fine. I’ll play by your rules only because I have no choice.


I know, I know… last summer, you want me to share about last summer.


Mom came to visit in Colorado. She said she wanted to live with me. She planned to move in as soon as we finalized a place to stay but old cycles resurfaced and her trip was cut short. I guess to make amends, she gifted me with the RV and the promise to fund the project of full tear down and remodel of the interior so that the kids wouldn’t get sick from any possible mold issues.


I feel my energy surging as I’m going back to that time.


We had just crossed into California state lines when boom- I saw it. I knew it. I knew what I saw and I shut off all my feelings. I saw my mother suffer such a massive stroke and die right in front of my children. I still remember I felt so cold telling myself that if she dies, it was her choice. When we stopped at that gas station I had asked her to wait for me to join her in the bathroom but she refused and I was so angry that I said "fine, be difficult." When I saw Fre (my husband) come out of the diner with that blood drained look I knew something happened. He said to check on her because she fell in the bathroom. I rushed in and asked her if she hit her head. She said no. Her voice though… it wasn’t right. I wasn’t sure if she was faking. Her voice sounded like she was swallowing the sounds. It was only her voice that was off. I scanned her. I did my energetic assessments. I detected a strong possibility of a cranial bleed but she said she didn’t hit her head. She had no one-sided weakness. Her face looked baseline. I walked with her to the car. Her walk was off. It was extremely subtle but I notice even the most subtle things. Something was off but she insisted she was fine. I insisted she go to the emergency department immediately and she insisted she was fine. Who am I to disagree? She is a registered nurse of over 30 years. She would know, right? And she DID know… that’s why she refused to go to the hospital.


That feeling though… it continued and my rage escalated. I sat in silence as we drove several more hours to her house. I knew something was wrong but she kept insisting I was wrong so I stayed silent in my rage. Finally, the rage erupted and I told her pointblank either she get in my vehicle and let me take her to the hospital or I call 911 but no way in hell are my children watching Grandma die tonight. It was so ugly… such an ugly thing to say but I knew she wouldn’t hear me until I got ugly. It’s always only after I get ugly that she hears me. So we went. They did all the tests. I told her exactly where she was bleeding. I told her i had stopped the bleed. She said I was insane and I agreed with her… until the doctor came in with her test results. She had a small stroke exactly where I told her it was. They wanted to release her but I kept insisting I felt it wasn’t finished. We had no clear medical need to be admitted so they sent us home.


The following day I took her to her follow up appointment with the neurologist. This specialist assured me it was finished. I assured her it wasn’t. I also told her I needed her to order an echocardiogram. She asked me why and I told her my mother presented some symptoms that caused me to feel she had congestive heart failure leading to the fluid building in her pericardium and lungs. She told me the cardiologist’s notes state all was clear and I told her I KNOW something is going on and to please order it. She asked me why I felt that way and I told her I noticed labored breathing with diminished lung function apparent. She assumed I had listened with a stethoscope but I had actually just scanned my mother’s lungs and chest. She agreed to order the test based on that. We left the appointment and headed back to her house with this seriously ugly feeling in my belly. I couldn’t shake it. I knew… I just knew and I felt so helpless. Nobody believed me. Nobody would listen. I locked myself in the bathroom when we got to her house and cried. I cried hard. I cried until it felt like I would burst a blood vessel in my eye again before I forced myself to stop. I cleaned myself up and went to work on ripping everything out of the RV. I was in a rage just ripping all sorts of things out. That evening as I was still tearing apart the interior, I heard a scream inside the house. It didn’t sound right. I ran in right away and saw the vision I had days earlier. My eldest was attempting to lift his grandma off the floor while my younger children stared in terror… the dining table and chairs were strewn all around the room, cups and plates on the floor.  My husband and brother were in the front of the house taking care of something when it happened. In the middle of walking from her kitchen to her great room she had a massive stroke. I got to her, lifted her from behind and dragged her onto the seat attachment of her walker. I don’t know how I managed to lift her when she weighs at least double what I do. My brother and husband came in just as I got her on there. I went around to the front of her to see what looked like half her face melted.


I called 911. I knew she stroked out badly this time. That small stroke from earlier wasn’t done. I knew it wasn’t done. I also knew she was supposed to die that night. We got to the ER and I sat there beside her bed in tears. I couldn’t interfere. I’m not allowed to interfere without the permission of the person I am working on. To do so would be the most vile disrespect and violation I could do to a sovereign soul. She had always said I am “a demonic witch doing those energy work things”. My husband called me on my mobile and I was in tears. He asked me to help her and I told him I wasn’t allowed to. I knew she could hear me even though she wasn’t responding. Having lost his mother just a year before, he begged me to help her but I told him she needed to allow me because I would not violate her soul that way. I felt her call to me then. She still hadn’t moved but I felt her pull to me. She was giving permission. I got off the phone and I readied myself to work on her. The staff came in and told me she had a large clot but because the event began the day before, she was no longer a candidate for the clot dissolving medication. Basically, there was nothing they could do but monitor her to make sure her heart and lungs were functioning. The staff left and I started on my work.  I pushed so much energy I made my own nose bleed. I never told anyone that until right now. I stuffed tissue up my nose and kept going until my second nostril bled. I wasn’t ready to let my mom go so I didn’t care how sick it made me. I didn’t care that I could see the skin on my hands begin to look like I touched the stove barehanded. I didn’t care that the lights in the ER department kept dimming and I could hear the staff starting to worry the power would fail. I didn’t care about any of it until I heard my phone beep. My husband texted that our kids were worried about me. I knew they could feel me even from a distance so I paused. I saw I had drained my phone battery as well. I figured I would take a break just to run to the car to get my portable charger and come back and work on her again. She still hadn’t moved, not even her eyes. I was crushed. I felt it was proof I was lying to myself about being able to do these things Soul was insisting I could do.


It took me all but 15 minutes to run to my car and get my charger. When I got back, she was awake and having a full on conversation with the nurse. That melted look on her face was gone and in it’s place just a mild droop. It worked. Only took 2 nosebleeds, a patch of 2nd degree burn on the back of my hand and nearly blowing the hospital’s electrical but it worked. She went home the next morning exhausted but able to walk on her own. This type of event would become my life for the next 2 months.


It was like groundhog’s day for me. She had more than a handful of strokes in that two months. She also had a few heart attacks, sub-arachnoid bleeds from her meds, and seizures. All of which I kept reversing. All not showing much damage or very odd accelerated healing.  The doctors were baffled. They couldn’t understand how this woman in such poor health was able to keep surviving all these very serious events. The only thing they noticed was I never left her hospital bedside and I always knew what test to demand and what the results would be before they even did the tests.


After over 2 months I had all the documentation and proof I needed. I knew first hand what I was doing was real. I knew the accuracy of my diagnostic ability. I knew the potency of my work. Hell the entire staff of that hospital knew. I knew it was time to leave but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave her behind but she was too delicate to travel. I refused to leave.  Soul kept asking me to leave but I refused. I wouldn’t listen. All this work took a massive toll on my body. I dropped so much weight. I just could not keep up with the caloric demands of working that much energy. I was eating a pint of coconut ice cream each night. Despite that I dropped down below a size 0. I was wearing sweatpants underneath my jeans so people wouldn’t notice I was dying inside. Finally, Soul… I know you had enough of me not listening. I know you were forced to do this but I still am finding it impossible to forgive you for the way in which we destroyed me.


Each time I began to again doubt my ability, Mom would have another event happen. Although I reversed her brain bleeding conditions, she developed a different type of condition. The final 3 days I was with her, she progressively began to forget who I am. I have 3 siblings. She didn’t forget them despite me being the one who never left her bedside.  I was the only one she forgot. Often she would stare at me at a loss for a name to call me or she would call me by her youngest sister’s name. She would tell the staff who would remind her I am her daughter that her daughter was “horrible” and even told the social worker to draft up papers to put me up for adoption. My last day with her, Soul told me her memory of me would be wiped clean if I stayed… so I did the only thing I could do. I gave her a facial. I did her hair and makeup. I took a video of us cuddling as I told her I would always love her more than any words could ever express. I told her sorry I couldn’t let her go and that it caused her to suffer greatly. I admitted it was selfish of me but I didn't get enough time with her as a child so I just couldn't let go. I wanted time to take care of her and show her how much I deeply love her. I always had a wall up with everyone my entire life. I wanted her to experience me without a wall between us. That was all I wanted but I know we don't always get what we want. We get what we need. I told her goodbye… knowing I will probably never see her again. I left the next morning with a heavy heart. I stopped eating for nearly 2 weeks. A huge part of me died so a stronger version of me could be reborn.


Many people don’t understand the very steep price someone like me pays for what abilities I am given. It isn’t just some cool thing or a novelty. I am here in service and I pay a steep damn price to serve. I do so with my entire heart and the entirety of me.

This winter was a time to learn self love and I can’t say I’ve fully learned that lesson yet. I retreated into my shell and went real quiet for a long while. I regained about 20lbs and did put some effort into regaining the muscle mass that got eaten up when I ran out of fat. I would say I was able to put in half the effort in 3 months that I would have liked to really invest into myself. I was sidelined for half that time due to my knee injuries… and I think that was Soul reminding me to be gentle with myself. I’m learning though. I have made tremendous progress in rehabilitating my low back and hip muscles. My back issues are near nonexistent now. I don't look so frail. I’ve returned to searching for my center. I had lost it somewhere along the way. In my effort to work on my physical & spiritual core, I think I may have found some of what i have been searching for- self love.




Self love isn’t a destination. Self love is in the journey… the details of it. Self love opens you to powers beyond human comprehension. It connects you directly into the Divine. Self love helped me to make myself vulnerable and experience this with my mother. It showed me that although I was destroyed so painfully, goddamn it was I rebuilt into this amazing beacon of hope and healing for those that have been searching. There is nothing in this life that will ever break me in such a way that I cannot be rebuilt into something even stronger.


Baby steps are key. I’m learning this so well. I still do find myself being hypercritical. When I got really lean, I wanted to gain my weight back. When I gained some back I found myself so uncomfortable in my own skin. Now I’m at a place where Soul tells me to post my before pic and my current progress pic with zero shame of my size and shape.  I don’t know… I’m undecided on that. I don’t know if I can share that part of my journey just yet despite Soul screaming in my mind for weeks now. I get it… it would inspire some and help others to realize that we all suffer the same insecurities, the same ways in which we tear ourselves apart so brutally. I still find it rather amazing in a sick way how we can be so mean to ourselves, so out right heartless, yet be so able to love others unconditionally. That conversation I had with my friend last night totally brought this to the forefront of my awareness.  Gaaaah… fine. I will share. Sharing is caring, right? Man do I fucking care so damn much. I give a fuck. I give so many damn fucks I had to build a storehouse for my fucks to nap in. It’s good to care. It’s good for Self, for Soul, for the Collective.


Care. Love. Share.

The Business of Lemonade

Today marks the time of year when most of us will focus on the person we are in a relationship with or focus on the fact that we are single and somehow unlucky in love. We are bombarded with commercial gimmicks to make us feel our love is some how untrue if we do not succumb to the obligation of purchasing things that are nothing more than just things. Those of us who aren’t currently dating are often left to feel so ridiculously unloveable. Does any of this make sense? To me, it doesn’t.

I come from an old school of thought where every day is lived like a celebration- every moment is used to make the ones I care about feel very much loved, appreciated, and so deeply cherished. I celebrate each day as though it were the greatest moment for I know far too well how it feels to be in that dark pit of despair. I have recently revisited the lesson of self love and have come to remember how deep those wounds are when they ripped back open. 

Today, I decided, will be a day I remember to make myself my own priority and love. I’m choosing today to be a day spent choosing myself and remembering how much I need to value me. I’m looking back over these past few months and see how much has changed within me. As much as it hurt me, as destroyed as I felt, I needed these hurts. They have been the very fuel that launched me forward in my spiritual growth and journey.

Before the start of the events stemming back to this past July, I am certain I had love for myself. There is no way I could have spread love and dropped love bombs the way I was doing if I didn’t. Initially, I had assumed I had fooled myself into thinking I never even knew what self love was and that I had been a fraud making others think I was spreading love. I felt I was spreading a lie, a fractal of me that was meticulously designed to create a sense of spiritual superiority. By December I fully believed this theory and fully hated myself for it. 

Looking back, I’m realizing I needed to see these things in that light. I needed to experience the resurfacing of childhood programming. I needed this gift only my own mother could give me. It was an extremely painful gift but the result of it is nothing short of a miracle. I still am not quite sure how I survived this level of silent devastation.

One by one I burned each bridge until I was certain I was an island unto myself. Any bridge that resisted the burning I took an axe to and just obliterated. Any who meant anything to me had to go so I could hurt in silence. I needed to feel the reality of not being lovable- because from childhood, this was pounded into my head. I clung on to the fictitious belief that any who feigned love for me was simply doing so to benefit from me somehow. Not many know exactly what the scope of my extrasensory abilities are but the few who I allowed into my heart knew and I convinced myself that they only stayed because they knew and wanted to benefit from it.

It was such a lonely feeling. I don’t know if I have ever felt that alone in my life. To be in a plane full of my soul tribe and still feel so utterly alone was probably the final crushing blow. I want to say I died a spiritual death but I didn’t. I clung to that pain and I felt every last drop of it. I punished myself that way. I liken it to pouring salt into a deep wound and using lemons to clean it out. I still truly have no idea how I managed to recenter. It seems as though I just woke up one day and said, “ENOUGH! Pain, transmute to fuel and let me burn bright!!”

Not long after that, I was able to see what this dark night of my soul was about. I needed to remind myself in probably the most painful way how very capable I am of functioning solo. I do not need another whether it be a soul mate, or twin flame, or twin ray, or any other new age label that carries the implications that I am some how not whole in myself. It has been years upon years of my searching for these assumed missing fractals of myself that has kept me from realizing I have been whole this entire time. Any who joins me on this journey simply serves to add color and dimension. They are not the missing parts of me. I am not missing anything. I am whole in my light and darkness, my abilities and weaknesses. I am whole. I am ME. I am an evolution of self, born of the involution of Soul.

I won’t paint this rosy picture. I still hurt. I still am very much in a state of pain. Learning this lesson cost me my relationship with my mother and nearly all of my most valued friends… but I could no longer sustain that which did not resonate with my evolved truth. I cannot make apologies for being flawed, losing control, and being unavailable to others as I work on Self. I finally have myself calibrated to the frequency that which benefits me most on the journey and I will always make it a point to repel any who seek to make me feel as though I am not enough, too much, not whole in myself, or need to feel shame and apologize for being authentically me. No more. I no longer care about the labels. It does not matter to me whether you are my mother, my spouse, my soul mate, my twin flame, my best friend, my soul tribe… love me as I am in my totality or I will choose to love you from afar. Love can never be lost with me. I will always choose to love… love those who fuel my fire, those who tenderly hold me as I fall apart, and those who left as soon as the convenience was gone. Love to you always. Nothing but love to you for teaching me and adding all the colors you have added to this journey. 

This isn’t even about forgiveness. It is about acceptance of self.  That may be the deepest and most profound type of self love there is. I’m unsure still as I am currently exploring it. It is helping me fully embrace my journey and the beauty inside me.  Even my ugly is beautiful. This life is not a totality of me as a Soul. This life is a beautiful experience of pain and pleasure, an involution for the sake of evolution, the much needed expansion of Soul. It is a lesson in releasing and trusting in the knowledge of Soul. I fully trust Soul. I am Soul. I trust myself. I love myself. I love each of you whether we are able to rebuild those bridges or not for you are within me always, tucked away in one of the safest corners of my heart.  The sweetness in me, like pure sugar cane, can always turn the salty lemons into lemonade.  I have collected my tears in cups these past few months. I think in time, I shall offer them as the sweetest of lemonade to those who need replenishment. Not quite yet but soon. I am still very much needing to swim in my own juices, bathed by the oceans within my heart. My return is inevitable, though. I cannot deny my need and desire to spread love. I already feel it booming inside my chest.  Settle down, Heart. Soon, we will do what we came to do- shine in the darkness so all can find their way back Home.

Fragmented Transcendental Truth

While ruminating the Bhagavad Gita, I came across a passage that sparked much introspection. It truly helped to reiterate the necessity of struggle and pain. It so eloquently reminded me that it is the friction, the heat, that is the impetus for transformation. It is the catalyst for change from one form to another. And, in spiritual or Soul terms, these changes often lead one to the remembrance of an innate wholeness… an unalienable and irrevocable transcendental truth that we are Supreme Soul. We are directly plugged into Prime Creator and simply need to remember. The passage stated:

“The goal of life is to directly cognize or realize this self-luminous Self which is hidden in

this body as fire is hidden in wood or as butter in milk. This Self is the inner ruler, the unseen

governor or hidden proprietor of this house, the body.

Real religion is the attainment of this transcendental, supreme, undying, un-decaying

Essence through constant and intense meditation. Real life is life in the eternal Soul. True life is

identification with this Supreme Soul, which exists in the past, present and future, which has neither a beginning, middle nor end, which has neither parts nor limbs, which is neither subtle nor gross.”

It was Nietzsche who claimed there are no absolute truths while fully accepting his observation that all truth can only be known in the context of one’s own perspective. Our truth is always filtered through our current level of awareness. We search for transcendental truth; a truth that is unaffected by time or space, one that defines the world but is not defined by the world, failing to realize that everything we seek is already within us or seeking us in turn. Because of the limitations our current filters place on our understanding, we are prone to experience fragmentation. This then leads to feelings of loss of self, loss of truth, a denial of our sovereignty, and a refusal to accept our innate divinity.  But take heed. The lamentations caused by losing self leads to the realization that Self could never truly be lost, nor divinity truly denied. We enter this existence WHOLE.  We are whole and perfectly designed for the very purpose we entered this life to do.

“I am not my circumstance”… for the circumstance is nothing more than self discovery by way of pain or placement of a spiritual mirror to reflect aspects of self that we had previously refused to see. Pain is such an effective catalyst for transformation. It provides the greatest opportunity for the most amount of discovery and spiritual growth.  Our sadness isn’t due to a situation or a response to any single individual.  Sadness stems from the aspect of self that we have suddenly become aware of, an aspect that the person or situation represented. Upon closer analysis, you’ll discover that our disillusioned belief of separation from our various fractals is the cause of the sadness and a reclamation of all our pieces will better serve us than a refusal to bend and flow with the divine will of Soul. 

Soul is not taciturn or reticent.  It actively seeks your acknowledgement and understanding of your transcendence. The 7th Discourse of the Bhagavad Gita (“The Yoga of Wisdom and Realization”) brings the attention to a very important truth: “There is no other cause of the universe but me. I alone am the cause of the universe.” We are the co-creators of our reality, our life experience and journey. The need for blame or victim-mentality is not necessary for it does not serve you. We must make a conscious decision to continue to push forward past the hurts, each step a defiant roar that our un-mutable truth will never be silenced. 

We are each a strand in the grand tapestry of Creation. WE each add a subtle richness to each others’ journeys. Let that contribution to another be one full of compassion and grace. May we transcend the experience, reap the lessons, and remember the greatness we are returning to. The hurt does not follow beyond this current journey. You leave that behind. So live with courage and compassion. Don’t be sorry for your journey. Don’t apologize for shining. Recognize the areas you must work on further but don’t let another ever make you think because you are a work in progress, you are not enough or too much. We are each perfectly just enough. 

To that little girl inside me… you are perfectly just enough. I see you. I remember you. Together, we are whole.

Reflections From Within

Having found a different outlet for soul expansion, I took a year long break from blogging and began livestreaming videos on my social media account. I recently became aware of a need to return to blogging. There are topics that are best discussed through written word to give the reader time to digest, return to concepts, and truly take in what is being touched on. The concept of reflections is one of them.

Much like what we see when we look at a mirror, everyone who stands before us reflects that which is quietly within us. Whether we choose to acknowledge this or not, it is a truth that is very difficult for many to understand and much less accept about themselves for, often times, the aspects of ourselves that we see reflected in others are the parts we need to work on but refuse to acknowledge.

I had sent out a mass love bomb (a message of upliftment, love, and call for unification of self and soul to provide light to any who may quietly be in darkness). One individual had replied with a message that I wasn't sure how to interpret. They had mentioned their belief that I was spreading fear and that they felt afraid and that caused them to need distance. I am all about giving to those what they need. There is no hesitation when someone expresses to me that they have a specific need from me, especially a need for distance.  I personally believe each of us are traveling a sacred journey and I honor each step each person chooses to take whether that be closer to me, in tandem with my own steps, or steps leading them away.  What I did not quite understand was the statement that I was somehow inducing fear intentionally. The term used was inception... planting seeds of fear.

I do not live a fear based life. I am near devoid of it, with moments I do feel fear being few and fleeting. I have developed a deep understanding of my life and the events that have affected me in such a way as to shape my views, my character, and tempered my strength.  Fear can be used for purpose but I do not find use for prolonged periods of it or, worse, living in a chronic state of it.  So when an individual comes to me stating I am spreading fear, it creates confusion in me.  To purposely induce fear in another feels like a violation of the sacredness of their journey... a forced contraction when the soul seeks to expand. I could never and would never. It is one of the subtleties of myself that I take very much seriously and never compromise on.

I thought on this for a moment. I looked at it from varying vantage points before I realized what was going on.  My words were being run through this person's filter of fear. The truths I was discussing regarding events and various possibilities in public postings rang as truth within this person and they became fearful of the unknown.  Instead of hearing me say "I do not say this from a place of fear" or "there is no need to feel afraid", the "darker" part of the message is what was fixated on. So when they began insinuating I was purposely seeding fear into their private mind, it became pertinent for me to clarify. I had to point out that at no point were any of my posts that allegedly created fear in them directed at them. They were not tagged on any public posts, nothing was placed on their private profile, and no private messages sent regarding those topics. In fact, our interaction was so minimal that one could even say we don't interact. It also became pertinent to reiterate that at no point do I access or use extrasensory abilities to scan individuals without first gaining their permission or agreement hence the reason I was not aware there was some unspoken need for distance. Still they were upset and I am ok with that because I learned a few things.

As I am continuing to ascend, I involute and old lessons resurface so I may look at them deeper.  I have worked hard for many years to not allow fear to rule my life.  Because of the way certain feelings and thoughts were worded when expressed, it caused me to circle back round on the need for others to not view me as crazy or weird.  I recognize that this person has such a hard time hearing the things that they quietly know and feel is truth within their hearts because they do not want to be seen by others as crazy or weird. That is completely understandable. Not all possess the fortitude to stand by their truths with no apologies and no shame. I sometimes still struggle with it myself. It is a daily decision to honor my truth, share my journey with no censors or edits, and to hold my head high. I recognize and acknowledge the part of me that still sometimes quietly wonders if people think I have lost my mind.

It's at moments like this where I have to pause.  I have come such a long way. I refuse to be harsh with myself for the resurfacing of residual issues. Yes, at certain times and with certain people, I would prefer they think I am normal. But more importantly, I recognize that the beauty of my truth is what these people are drawn to in the first place. There is no other in the whole of creation that has walked the path I have, lived the life I have, or shone with the same intensity as me. I stand as a beacon to those who are awakening. I stand as a testament to the fulfillment of sacred promises made by the Prime Creator for a New Beginning rooted in a foundation of LOVE. I am my own unique frequency that composes the song of my journey. The bassline is my heartbeat and lyrics the whispered truths from my soul.

So here I am, staring at a reflection of my fading former self in another being... with nothing but love for the old version of me. She was afraid. She survived so much. She was tempered by the flame of her journey and forged by her truth. She is me. I am her with head held high and no fear in my eyes. I have no shame for my truth and will share with any who choose to listen.  I'll continue to have no apologies for how people receive my call for unification of self, the reclamation of the power in our birthright, and the rejection of fear through the embracing of love. This exchange has, however, shone a light on my delivery. It has made me aware that some still need a more gentler delivery of messages from Creation. Not all are ready to hear things just said matter of fact. I refuse to sugarcoat truths so a middle ground must be established where comfort zones are pushed to their outer limits but not so far that the message is lost and the fear is all that is left.  I promise, I do not seek to induce fear of the unknown. I seek only to share my truth to any and all whom are ready to hear it.  You don't even need to accept it as truth.  Simply be ready to hear... be open to my sharing the truth of my journey because I know I am as much a reflection of you as you are of me.  Let us all learn from each other peaceably.  Tis my desire to have us all living our truths and sharing with no edits or censors... no apologies for the steps we take and no shame for the direction we are headed.  We must heal as a Collective. We no longer have the luxury of shunning others for being reflections of our innerself.

I AM

Had the most amazing and powerful meditation this morning.  It had begun as what seemed like an urgent but unfounded need for me to do energy work on a dear friend.  As I began to ready myself to send healing to her I began to feel this immeasurable sadness.   I thought it was her.  I focused and visualized and did everything I could think of when I was suddenly taken to a beautiful place.

I sat in a field.  There was no one else around but me and the child within.  I was slightly in a rush to help my friend and was going to push to end this scene when the little me touched my arm.  We looked at each other and she began to cry.  I couldn't understand what it meant so I stayed to comfort her.  The sun was warm on our skin while we sat. I held her and rocked her and she just cried until she was exhausted.  When she fell asleep, I became her and saw I was in Papa's lap.(I refer to God/Source/ZeroPoint/Creation/Universe/TheDivine as Papa.)

It began to make sense.  Growing up, no one really spent much time with me.  In many ways I felt very much abandoned and left to raise myself.  I realized in my working with so many people and addressing their needs, I had forgotten about my own.  I began to neglect my spirit and the child within.  I abandoned myself and my hurts because facing them was just too painful.

Sitting in Papa's lap my mind began to look back over the past few months.  I had suffered so much hurt and loss that my sense of self became obscured and my shield fractured.  I felt I had been forsaken.  I had an impenetrable shield up.  No one was allowed in.  Nothing was allowed out.  I wondered why we were going over these events.  I didn't like seeing how each moment created more damage to my shield.  I didn't like seeing how battered I had become... so unbelievably battle damaged.  I asked why after I had come to terms with things was I being forced to revisit them.  He whispered the answer to my heart and the tears welled up.  With eyes closed during my meditation, I began to weep.

I have come to understand the purpose of my pain.  Ascension is a destructive process.  You must destroy the old to rebuild the new.  I came to see that every moment that fractured me, that damaged my shield, was a crack that allowed some of my sparkle to escape.  It was a way to continue to share my light with the world despite me not wanting to.  It deepened me, fortified me, allowed me room to be replenished.  I am no longer a gem hidden in the darkness, hidden away and forgotten about.  I have been formed into a prism.  I came to see the beauty in my suffering by recognizing my strength and my unwillingness to give up.  I became aware of my fractal parts and the beauty contained in each fractal.  Every piece of me had a story, a gift, and a purpose that must be shared with creation.

Understanding this filled me with the most intense feelings of gratitude and love.  I had felt it before but only when working with others... never for me alone.  I understood that I hadn't been forsaken or abandoned.  Like any amazing parent, He allowed me to have the room to grow and realize on my own terms my strength, dexterity, and ability to love so unconditionally.  When I thought about it, I knew I could love in ways that transmute darkness into light.  I could bend that single point of energy into rainbows of beautiful healing.  I no longer need to be so staunch in my belief that I must cut all beings of darkness out of my life.  It is not those already in the light who need my light most.  It is my brothers and sisters in darkness who need the glow of my love to help them find their own paths, to help them understand their own divinity.

I finally see that I don't have to remain hidden.  My needs do not need to be ignored.  He has loved me since creation and will love me forever more.  When I forget to love myself, He will remind me to.  He will hold me in His lap as I cry all my hurts unto Him.  He will fill my cup when it has emptied.  He will provide for my every need in this life and beyond.  He loves me and all my fractures.  I am perfect in His eyes.  He is me.  I am Him.  I am the I AM.  I must always honor the divine within.  We all should.

Worth

It's been a tumultuous six months.  So much has happened and I can say that the lessons I've learned have very much deepened me and afforded me the opportunities to learn about the different facets of myself.  I have blossomed in ways I wasn't sure I was capable of anymore.

Basking in the glow of my own light I began offering energetic healing sessions.  I often found myself drawn to people on Facebook that were quietly suffering or struggling and I would privately message them to extend any help that I could.  Some needed food, some clothing, some energy work.  Any way I could find to help, I did.  And I made it a point to not speak of it publicly because they were my own sweet moments... just for ME to enjoy, to know I had helped to spark the light within others so that they in turn could ignite even more.  It was very satisfying.

But months later, I was beginning to notice things that were unsavory to say the least.  I was quickly becoming a spiritual dumping ground and my worth seemed to be in decline.  I didn't quite know how to address it.  I did, however know, I wanted to continue helping people quietly. I figured I'd be more selective and careful not to overextend myself.  I realize now I was, and am still, learning how to value myself.

Recently, I learned in one big lesson the value of me.  I am a rare type of person.  I am loyal to a fault and the kind of friend who is available any time you need for any reason at all.  I am the kind of friend that could be a lifelong one if valued and treated with a mutual level of respect.  I bring so much to any relationship whether it be romantic or friendship... I offer so much of myself without seeking so much as acknowledgement.  I hold myself to a standard that some might say is unrealistic.  I carry my person with honor and dignity in everything I do.  I am so ridiculously transparent.  I tell no lies. If you ask me directly, I will answer you because I would rather you be mad at me for telling you a truth rather than be mad AND feel betrayed because I lied.

So when one who has known me for an extended period would even question if I would harm another either in actions or words it creates a tsunami of emotions within.  When those emotions crest, you must take stock during the lowest point of the trough, before the water hits the shore.  You have to look within, at the base or root of it, and identify where the hurt comes from.  Is it ego driven?  Are you being prideful?  When you can answer those with a truthful "no" then you have to look further by exploring the actions of the outside.

What I learned from this lesson is that when you are able to identify that there is hurt within caused by the words or actions of others, well, maybe that friendship is one of convenience or that there is a lack of a certain minimal level of respect or perceived value.  Is that all you are worth?  A friend when there is need?  Are you not worth more?  Do you not bring more to the relationship than that?  WE  are the ones who set our value.  WE have to be the one to decide how much we can or will tolerate and if that amount equates to what we perceive our worth to be.

I am made of love.  I act in love.  I love through both my actions and my words.  I set my worth equal to that which I offer you... and I offer you all of me.  When you can honestly even wonder if I would choose hurtful actions with zero provocation... you diminish my worth and you prove to me through your own actions that I am not valued.  It then does not become an issue of emotion but rather a misalignment of perceived worth and the value set by you.  It is important to honor ourselves through the expectation of mutual respect.  It keeps others accountable for the situations they create and the repercussions of poorly thought out life choices.

I am a rightful heir to Creation's beauty just as any other sentient being.  I reclaim my sovereignty and have the expectation that others will treat me with the respect rightfully given to a spiritual sovereign.  Maybe if more of us remember this universal truth for ourselves, we can begin reversing the degradation of society in general.  There are far too many subliminal programmings being done to further decay the mind, the body, and the spirit.  The current system of operation has become defunct, parasitic, and malignant.  Lives have become worthless and respect a novelty.  How do we undo that which has been done?  By raising the value of the self back to its rightful place.  Everything else will begin to trickle until it becomes a vast ocean of sacred waters.  Remember your worth.  Even if you don't, I will remember it and treat you accordingly.

Life is beautiful and so are you.

Breathe...

I talk to God often.  I mean like multiple times a day.  He's like my live-in BFF.  We're giggling and discussing all sorts of mundane things and it's just the most amazing friendship/relationship ever.  Sometimes, I get all nutty on my beloved and I'm quietly like "I am going to kill him.  Just gut him and feed him to rabid chickens." And here's God "No girl. You are not.  You love that man more than your own life.  You are just talking crazy and I love you and your crazy... but you are not killing nobody. Let's get real here.  That's not you.  You know darn well after you give him attitude, you're going in the bathroom to quietly cry about how crazy you are and how he didn't deserve that stank you were tossing everywhere."

Then there are those times where the jokes and the sarcasm get put aside.  Like last night.  Y'all... my heart is tired of this journey.  It really is.  I've been far too strong for far too long and I sent up a notice that I need respite from it all today.  God knows I can push through anything if only He asks it of me.  I can block out visceral pain to get done what He asks of me because there is nothing I would deny Him just as there is nothing He would deny me.  So I asked not to take the hurt or sadness but to give me a lull in the chaos.  That is the key.  You don't ask for the lessons to stop.  You ask for a pause or a nice little cliffnote on what you're supposed to learn.  I did that and He gave it to me.

I had a bunch of legalities I needed to square away from my former state.  Y'all know that means tons of hold time, typically the runaround, "can't find your case in the system", request denied.... you know.  I needed my medical coverage closed out and transferred.  Lemme tell you... God provides all that I need.  The wait time was zero.  Literally, it did not even have a chance for the line to ring.  A rep answered the call immediately, sent me to the correct department.  My medical coverage was immediately found and transferred and I immediately received the documentation via email that would have normally took 10 business days to process and send.

You have to live with complete trust and submission to the will of Creation.  Live in harmony with your journey.  Accept the lessons, ask for the breaks when you need them.  Learn, grow, share.  Open your heart and mind to possibilities that are presented to you.  Seek His messages with openness.  Do not demand the answers be given in the manner you prefer because they usually aren't.  They are given in the ways you need at that very moment.  Don't assume to know things that you don't fully understand.  As much as I know... 13YEARS of ridiculous amounts of research... I know nothing.  I have ideas of theories, concepts and truths... enough to know that I know nothing.  Everyone is my teacher.  Everyone at some point will be His voice for me- to guide me, encourage me, fortify my heart and soul.

It's Friday.  You know what that means?  It means another opportunity for my working brothers and sisters to have a weekend to experience the love of Creation- to create love, be love, spread love.  Feed a stranger.  Hug someone in need.  Lord knows how many of us are hurting these days... feeling so utterly alone.  The timeline of events is accelerating.  We are in a lull before the poop hits the fan.  Use this time wisely to forge the bonds you will need during the darkest of times.  Use today wisely.  Use each breath wisely.  Being the person He wants you to be is as easy breathing... so JUST BREATHE.

Life is beautiful and so are you.

The Seeds

With the decision to begin blogging came the decision to permanently deactivate my Facebook account.  I cultivated relationships with many of the people I interacted with over the years.  They grew accustomed to a daily dose of my online shenanigans- inspirational goodies, sarcastic posts, and random comedic outbursts.  It was definitely a wild and fun ride.  Slowly, though, I began to realize that despite having all that fun and making so many new friends, Facebook had become an addiction and a source of negative seeds.  I became so overly concerned with newsfeed fillers that I began losing sight of why I stayed on in the first place- to sow seeds of love that will one day grow into the tree of future humanity.

I had toyed with the idea of leaving FB for nearly 2 years.  I would deactivate and then eventually came back because I knew in my heart that I needed to share my thoughts and my heart with others.  But I also began to see that during the amount of time I spent in that virtual community, I was open to the planting of seeds into my soil.  Some seeds were new concepts that would eventually help me to ascend to a higher level of consciousness.  Other seeds were dark and helped to foster my growing disdain of humanity.

I have finally come to a point in my journey where there is no space for the dark seeds.  All I can focus on right now is uplifting my brothers and sisters in love.  I need to grow.  I need to spread my wings and prepare to fly.  I need to stretch those wings so that I may be a refuge for any who seek shelter from the hurts of humanity. I also need to be true to the me that is living this life.  Not all my posts will be serious or spiritual.  I'll have to toss in a few comedic outbursts... a couple rants... most importantly, I will pour my heart out and share this journey I call my life.  I've never really taken the time to share my interactions with the most down trodden of us.  I've selfishly kept those precious moments to myself.  I used to rationalize that I didn't share it because it was like my attempt to get recognition for honoring these sentient beings.  Now I realize I just didn't want to share the feelings of love these moments created. I wanted to keep it all to myself like a chocoholic with a chocolate bar.

So here I am now.  My arms open wide and heart ready to give as much as I possibly can.  If you have any insights to share, stories, questions, requests... just let me know!!  I want to cultivate a relationship with you.  I want your journey to inspire me as much as I hope my journey inspires you.  Give me the opportunity to learn from you, grow with you, and spread the reality of love through you.

Be fabulous.  Be giving.  Be the light in the darkness.

**** LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND SO ARE YOU ****

Born from Fire

I died the morning of July 4, 2015.  The part of me that believed in the inherent goodness of people, the inherent trust you give family, the part that believed love could fix everything... that part died.  From the rubble emerged the broken little girl who never felt loved, always felt like a burden, and believed wholeheartedly that humanity would be better off without her in it.  I was floundering in an ocean of sadness and, to be honest, I welcomed for the sting of the sad waters to fill my lungs and end all of this.   I cried my heart out that day for reasons that don't need to be rehashed.  I cried until my eyes felt damaged in their sockets.  I cried until I eventually burst a blood vessel in my eye.

Every morning after, I would force myself up... quietly whispering how my children still need me, my husband still wants me.  It was enough to get me through that week and a few days.  I eventually just felt numb.  My new mantra became "Nobody cares so why the hell should I?"  I tried to force my heart not to care.  Ten days felt like an eternity.

Last night, walking through the Vegas strip I saw a man inebriated and laying in his own puddle of urine.  So many people just walked right past him either in disgust that he was there or they truly didn't care.  I hurt so deeply.  I had to fight not to sit by him and ask him "Brother, how can I help you?  How can I show you how much you mean to humanity?  How can I honor you?"  I walked past him with tears in my eyes that I swallowed quietly.  But I did it.  I was able to force myself not to care.  It was like a small victory of sorts.  That's what I tried to convince myself it was.

Today I had to stop and get gas before going out.  I don't know why but I insisted on going to a gas station that was in the complete opposite direction of where I needed to go.  It just felt like where I needed to go to get gas I guess.  Well, at least that's what I told myself.  I got out to start pumping and this man approached me.  He began with "I'm not asking for money.  Please, I just need a little gas. My car ran out of gas and I just need a little gas. Please.  I don't want money or anything. I swear I will pay you back. I'll even give you my driver's license... whatever you want."  I turned him away.  I explained I had no cash and was on a very tight budget.  He walked away.  I felt horrible but it was the truth.  I really was on such a tight budget with absolutely no cash and a car full of kids waiting for me.  So I went to pump gas and this darn pump just refused to fill my tank.  The whole time I was thinking I needed to help him but I kept refusing.  "No. You have your own problems."  I kept telling myself but I just kept hearing my heart say even louder "THIS is not who you are.  He IS YOUR PROBLEM. HELP HIM."  So I looked around to see if anyone had helped him and nobody had.  I called him over and told him "Well, the gas won't go in my tank so I'm assuming Creation is trying to tell me you need this gas more than me."  He thanked me profusely and began to sob.  He then began to tell me his situation.

"I'm so embarrassed... I can't even look at you.  Thank you so much.  You have no idea what I'm going through right now.  I just... thank you.  I can't even look at you... you must think I'm some drug addict.  I'm not this person.  I've never lived like this... it's just... I've been living in my car with my kids for 3 mos and my car ran out of gas this morning.  My wife and I have been asking people to help with gas since 9am and nobody would. (it was about 4:30pm at that point)  My kids are sleeping in the car right now.  Please, take my information and I swear, I will pay you back when I can."

I told him it wasn't necessary.  I told him I was sorry I turned him away at first because I know his struggle... that we are currently living in a hotel room with a very, very meager budget.  I told him that if I had more, I would do more.   Then I remembered I had some lollipops and a case of water in my car.  I offered them to him so that he could share them with his 6 and 3 year old children.  He cried again.  I told him I needed a hug and how thankful I was to have met him.  He clung to me and cried his heart out.  He continued to thank me and I continued to tell him it was not necessary.  He walked off with his little container of gas and case of water.  I filled my tank and was about to leave when my kids reminded me that they wanted some McDonalds which happened to be next door to that gas station.  I saw Johnny walking in that Vegas heat.  I watched him walk as I sat in line to order.  I heard my heart again.  It asked me to get him and his family a small meal.  I know I couldn't afford much but at least I had a roof over our heads, a full tank of gas, and some groceries in our fridge.  So I got him some nuggets and burgers.  The line took much longer than I expected and he was out of sight by the time I was done.  It was then I sent up a request to Creation to help me find him... because I NEEDED to know for my own selfish reasons that he and his children ate dinner tonight.

It didn't take me long to see him trudging along with his heavy load in the hot desert sun.  I had to make a u-turn to get to where he was.  He saw me pull over.  I told him I got his family a small meal and that I needed to drive him to them... that he spent enough time in the heat.  He insisted it wasn't too far and that he could walk it.  I insisted I NEEDED him to let me do this.  He got in our car and was just overwhelmed.  In the 2 mins it took me to get him to his family, he told me more about his situation.  He shared how last night, he had convinced himself that God is not real... but today, everything he had asked for, I had given him- gas, water, and McDonald's chicken nuggets that his son had begged him for before he fell asleep in a hot car.  I told him God is very much real and that every word has been heard, every one of his tears counted, and that he wasn't being punished... he was being prepared for what is to come.  I told him this lesson was nearly done and goodness will fill his heart again.  I told him he matters.  I told him he is loved.  I gave him my number so that if he needed an ear, I have 2 that listen very well.  He hugged me again and cried.  I felt him release his hurts to God.  I felt him open space for love to enter.

I was born from fire today, forged like steel.  I'm sure he doesn't realize the fire of his pain gave birth to me today.  I was reborn of his sadness and cleansed by his tears.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay him for how much he quietly did for me this afternoon.  My heart needed this.  I needed this.  I needed to know I can be reborn.   I needed to know that I am NOT all out of love.  I needed to know I still overflow with the love of creation.  I needed to know I can rise above this human experience and continue to honor my true self and my celestial obligations.  That broken little girl, she is asleep safely tucked in the warmth of my love.  I am not her, she is not me.  I am here in this life to serve humanity and spread love.  It is what I will do.  I embrace this journey and the beauty of my struggle.  I gained a brother today.  He gave me the gift of peace in my heart.  For that, I will forever be grateful and I will never forget Johnny.