I AM

Had the most amazing and powerful meditation this morning.  It had begun as what seemed like an urgent but unfounded need for me to do energy work on a dear friend.  As I began to ready myself to send healing to her I began to feel this immeasurable sadness.   I thought it was her.  I focused and visualized and did everything I could think of when I was suddenly taken to a beautiful place.

I sat in a field.  There was no one else around but me and the child within.  I was slightly in a rush to help my friend and was going to push to end this scene when the little me touched my arm.  We looked at each other and she began to cry.  I couldn't understand what it meant so I stayed to comfort her.  The sun was warm on our skin while we sat. I held her and rocked her and she just cried until she was exhausted.  When she fell asleep, I became her and saw I was in Papa's lap.(I refer to God/Source/ZeroPoint/Creation/Universe/TheDivine as Papa.)

It began to make sense.  Growing up, no one really spent much time with me.  In many ways I felt very much abandoned and left to raise myself.  I realized in my working with so many people and addressing their needs, I had forgotten about my own.  I began to neglect my spirit and the child within.  I abandoned myself and my hurts because facing them was just too painful.

Sitting in Papa's lap my mind began to look back over the past few months.  I had suffered so much hurt and loss that my sense of self became obscured and my shield fractured.  I felt I had been forsaken.  I had an impenetrable shield up.  No one was allowed in.  Nothing was allowed out.  I wondered why we were going over these events.  I didn't like seeing how each moment created more damage to my shield.  I didn't like seeing how battered I had become... so unbelievably battle damaged.  I asked why after I had come to terms with things was I being forced to revisit them.  He whispered the answer to my heart and the tears welled up.  With eyes closed during my meditation, I began to weep.

I have come to understand the purpose of my pain.  Ascension is a destructive process.  You must destroy the old to rebuild the new.  I came to see that every moment that fractured me, that damaged my shield, was a crack that allowed some of my sparkle to escape.  It was a way to continue to share my light with the world despite me not wanting to.  It deepened me, fortified me, allowed me room to be replenished.  I am no longer a gem hidden in the darkness, hidden away and forgotten about.  I have been formed into a prism.  I came to see the beauty in my suffering by recognizing my strength and my unwillingness to give up.  I became aware of my fractal parts and the beauty contained in each fractal.  Every piece of me had a story, a gift, and a purpose that must be shared with creation.

Understanding this filled me with the most intense feelings of gratitude and love.  I had felt it before but only when working with others... never for me alone.  I understood that I hadn't been forsaken or abandoned.  Like any amazing parent, He allowed me to have the room to grow and realize on my own terms my strength, dexterity, and ability to love so unconditionally.  When I thought about it, I knew I could love in ways that transmute darkness into light.  I could bend that single point of energy into rainbows of beautiful healing.  I no longer need to be so staunch in my belief that I must cut all beings of darkness out of my life.  It is not those already in the light who need my light most.  It is my brothers and sisters in darkness who need the glow of my love to help them find their own paths, to help them understand their own divinity.

I finally see that I don't have to remain hidden.  My needs do not need to be ignored.  He has loved me since creation and will love me forever more.  When I forget to love myself, He will remind me to.  He will hold me in His lap as I cry all my hurts unto Him.  He will fill my cup when it has emptied.  He will provide for my every need in this life and beyond.  He loves me and all my fractures.  I am perfect in His eyes.  He is me.  I am Him.  I am the I AM.  I must always honor the divine within.  We all should.

Worth

It's been a tumultuous six months.  So much has happened and I can say that the lessons I've learned have very much deepened me and afforded me the opportunities to learn about the different facets of myself.  I have blossomed in ways I wasn't sure I was capable of anymore.

Basking in the glow of my own light I began offering energetic healing sessions.  I often found myself drawn to people on Facebook that were quietly suffering or struggling and I would privately message them to extend any help that I could.  Some needed food, some clothing, some energy work.  Any way I could find to help, I did.  And I made it a point to not speak of it publicly because they were my own sweet moments... just for ME to enjoy, to know I had helped to spark the light within others so that they in turn could ignite even more.  It was very satisfying.

But months later, I was beginning to notice things that were unsavory to say the least.  I was quickly becoming a spiritual dumping ground and my worth seemed to be in decline.  I didn't quite know how to address it.  I did, however know, I wanted to continue helping people quietly. I figured I'd be more selective and careful not to overextend myself.  I realize now I was, and am still, learning how to value myself.

Recently, I learned in one big lesson the value of me.  I am a rare type of person.  I am loyal to a fault and the kind of friend who is available any time you need for any reason at all.  I am the kind of friend that could be a lifelong one if valued and treated with a mutual level of respect.  I bring so much to any relationship whether it be romantic or friendship... I offer so much of myself without seeking so much as acknowledgement.  I hold myself to a standard that some might say is unrealistic.  I carry my person with honor and dignity in everything I do.  I am so ridiculously transparent.  I tell no lies. If you ask me directly, I will answer you because I would rather you be mad at me for telling you a truth rather than be mad AND feel betrayed because I lied.

So when one who has known me for an extended period would even question if I would harm another either in actions or words it creates a tsunami of emotions within.  When those emotions crest, you must take stock during the lowest point of the trough, before the water hits the shore.  You have to look within, at the base or root of it, and identify where the hurt comes from.  Is it ego driven?  Are you being prideful?  When you can answer those with a truthful "no" then you have to look further by exploring the actions of the outside.

What I learned from this lesson is that when you are able to identify that there is hurt within caused by the words or actions of others, well, maybe that friendship is one of convenience or that there is a lack of a certain minimal level of respect or perceived value.  Is that all you are worth?  A friend when there is need?  Are you not worth more?  Do you not bring more to the relationship than that?  WE  are the ones who set our value.  WE have to be the one to decide how much we can or will tolerate and if that amount equates to what we perceive our worth to be.

I am made of love.  I act in love.  I love through both my actions and my words.  I set my worth equal to that which I offer you... and I offer you all of me.  When you can honestly even wonder if I would choose hurtful actions with zero provocation... you diminish my worth and you prove to me through your own actions that I am not valued.  It then does not become an issue of emotion but rather a misalignment of perceived worth and the value set by you.  It is important to honor ourselves through the expectation of mutual respect.  It keeps others accountable for the situations they create and the repercussions of poorly thought out life choices.

I am a rightful heir to Creation's beauty just as any other sentient being.  I reclaim my sovereignty and have the expectation that others will treat me with the respect rightfully given to a spiritual sovereign.  Maybe if more of us remember this universal truth for ourselves, we can begin reversing the degradation of society in general.  There are far too many subliminal programmings being done to further decay the mind, the body, and the spirit.  The current system of operation has become defunct, parasitic, and malignant.  Lives have become worthless and respect a novelty.  How do we undo that which has been done?  By raising the value of the self back to its rightful place.  Everything else will begin to trickle until it becomes a vast ocean of sacred waters.  Remember your worth.  Even if you don't, I will remember it and treat you accordingly.

Life is beautiful and so are you.

Breathe...

I talk to God often.  I mean like multiple times a day.  He's like my live-in BFF.  We're giggling and discussing all sorts of mundane things and it's just the most amazing friendship/relationship ever.  Sometimes, I get all nutty on my beloved and I'm quietly like "I am going to kill him.  Just gut him and feed him to rabid chickens." And here's God "No girl. You are not.  You love that man more than your own life.  You are just talking crazy and I love you and your crazy... but you are not killing nobody. Let's get real here.  That's not you.  You know darn well after you give him attitude, you're going in the bathroom to quietly cry about how crazy you are and how he didn't deserve that stank you were tossing everywhere."

Then there are those times where the jokes and the sarcasm get put aside.  Like last night.  Y'all... my heart is tired of this journey.  It really is.  I've been far too strong for far too long and I sent up a notice that I need respite from it all today.  God knows I can push through anything if only He asks it of me.  I can block out visceral pain to get done what He asks of me because there is nothing I would deny Him just as there is nothing He would deny me.  So I asked not to take the hurt or sadness but to give me a lull in the chaos.  That is the key.  You don't ask for the lessons to stop.  You ask for a pause or a nice little cliffnote on what you're supposed to learn.  I did that and He gave it to me.

I had a bunch of legalities I needed to square away from my former state.  Y'all know that means tons of hold time, typically the runaround, "can't find your case in the system", request denied.... you know.  I needed my medical coverage closed out and transferred.  Lemme tell you... God provides all that I need.  The wait time was zero.  Literally, it did not even have a chance for the line to ring.  A rep answered the call immediately, sent me to the correct department.  My medical coverage was immediately found and transferred and I immediately received the documentation via email that would have normally took 10 business days to process and send.

You have to live with complete trust and submission to the will of Creation.  Live in harmony with your journey.  Accept the lessons, ask for the breaks when you need them.  Learn, grow, share.  Open your heart and mind to possibilities that are presented to you.  Seek His messages with openness.  Do not demand the answers be given in the manner you prefer because they usually aren't.  They are given in the ways you need at that very moment.  Don't assume to know things that you don't fully understand.  As much as I know... 13YEARS of ridiculous amounts of research... I know nothing.  I have ideas of theories, concepts and truths... enough to know that I know nothing.  Everyone is my teacher.  Everyone at some point will be His voice for me- to guide me, encourage me, fortify my heart and soul.

It's Friday.  You know what that means?  It means another opportunity for my working brothers and sisters to have a weekend to experience the love of Creation- to create love, be love, spread love.  Feed a stranger.  Hug someone in need.  Lord knows how many of us are hurting these days... feeling so utterly alone.  The timeline of events is accelerating.  We are in a lull before the poop hits the fan.  Use this time wisely to forge the bonds you will need during the darkest of times.  Use today wisely.  Use each breath wisely.  Being the person He wants you to be is as easy breathing... so JUST BREATHE.

Life is beautiful and so are you.

The Seeds

With the decision to begin blogging came the decision to permanently deactivate my Facebook account.  I cultivated relationships with many of the people I interacted with over the years.  They grew accustomed to a daily dose of my online shenanigans- inspirational goodies, sarcastic posts, and random comedic outbursts.  It was definitely a wild and fun ride.  Slowly, though, I began to realize that despite having all that fun and making so many new friends, Facebook had become an addiction and a source of negative seeds.  I became so overly concerned with newsfeed fillers that I began losing sight of why I stayed on in the first place- to sow seeds of love that will one day grow into the tree of future humanity.

I had toyed with the idea of leaving FB for nearly 2 years.  I would deactivate and then eventually came back because I knew in my heart that I needed to share my thoughts and my heart with others.  But I also began to see that during the amount of time I spent in that virtual community, I was open to the planting of seeds into my soil.  Some seeds were new concepts that would eventually help me to ascend to a higher level of consciousness.  Other seeds were dark and helped to foster my growing disdain of humanity.

I have finally come to a point in my journey where there is no space for the dark seeds.  All I can focus on right now is uplifting my brothers and sisters in love.  I need to grow.  I need to spread my wings and prepare to fly.  I need to stretch those wings so that I may be a refuge for any who seek shelter from the hurts of humanity. I also need to be true to the me that is living this life.  Not all my posts will be serious or spiritual.  I'll have to toss in a few comedic outbursts... a couple rants... most importantly, I will pour my heart out and share this journey I call my life.  I've never really taken the time to share my interactions with the most down trodden of us.  I've selfishly kept those precious moments to myself.  I used to rationalize that I didn't share it because it was like my attempt to get recognition for honoring these sentient beings.  Now I realize I just didn't want to share the feelings of love these moments created. I wanted to keep it all to myself like a chocoholic with a chocolate bar.

So here I am now.  My arms open wide and heart ready to give as much as I possibly can.  If you have any insights to share, stories, questions, requests... just let me know!!  I want to cultivate a relationship with you.  I want your journey to inspire me as much as I hope my journey inspires you.  Give me the opportunity to learn from you, grow with you, and spread the reality of love through you.

Be fabulous.  Be giving.  Be the light in the darkness.

**** LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND SO ARE YOU ****

Born from Fire

I died the morning of July 4, 2015.  The part of me that believed in the inherent goodness of people, the inherent trust you give family, the part that believed love could fix everything... that part died.  From the rubble emerged the broken little girl who never felt loved, always felt like a burden, and believed wholeheartedly that humanity would be better off without her in it.  I was floundering in an ocean of sadness and, to be honest, I welcomed for the sting of the sad waters to fill my lungs and end all of this.   I cried my heart out that day for reasons that don't need to be rehashed.  I cried until my eyes felt damaged in their sockets.  I cried until I eventually burst a blood vessel in my eye.

Every morning after, I would force myself up... quietly whispering how my children still need me, my husband still wants me.  It was enough to get me through that week and a few days.  I eventually just felt numb.  My new mantra became "Nobody cares so why the hell should I?"  I tried to force my heart not to care.  Ten days felt like an eternity.

Last night, walking through the Vegas strip I saw a man inebriated and laying in his own puddle of urine.  So many people just walked right past him either in disgust that he was there or they truly didn't care.  I hurt so deeply.  I had to fight not to sit by him and ask him "Brother, how can I help you?  How can I show you how much you mean to humanity?  How can I honor you?"  I walked past him with tears in my eyes that I swallowed quietly.  But I did it.  I was able to force myself not to care.  It was like a small victory of sorts.  That's what I tried to convince myself it was.

Today I had to stop and get gas before going out.  I don't know why but I insisted on going to a gas station that was in the complete opposite direction of where I needed to go.  It just felt like where I needed to go to get gas I guess.  Well, at least that's what I told myself.  I got out to start pumping and this man approached me.  He began with "I'm not asking for money.  Please, I just need a little gas. My car ran out of gas and I just need a little gas. Please.  I don't want money or anything. I swear I will pay you back. I'll even give you my driver's license... whatever you want."  I turned him away.  I explained I had no cash and was on a very tight budget.  He walked away.  I felt horrible but it was the truth.  I really was on such a tight budget with absolutely no cash and a car full of kids waiting for me.  So I went to pump gas and this darn pump just refused to fill my tank.  The whole time I was thinking I needed to help him but I kept refusing.  "No. You have your own problems."  I kept telling myself but I just kept hearing my heart say even louder "THIS is not who you are.  He IS YOUR PROBLEM. HELP HIM."  So I looked around to see if anyone had helped him and nobody had.  I called him over and told him "Well, the gas won't go in my tank so I'm assuming Creation is trying to tell me you need this gas more than me."  He thanked me profusely and began to sob.  He then began to tell me his situation.

"I'm so embarrassed... I can't even look at you.  Thank you so much.  You have no idea what I'm going through right now.  I just... thank you.  I can't even look at you... you must think I'm some drug addict.  I'm not this person.  I've never lived like this... it's just... I've been living in my car with my kids for 3 mos and my car ran out of gas this morning.  My wife and I have been asking people to help with gas since 9am and nobody would. (it was about 4:30pm at that point)  My kids are sleeping in the car right now.  Please, take my information and I swear, I will pay you back when I can."

I told him it wasn't necessary.  I told him I was sorry I turned him away at first because I know his struggle... that we are currently living in a hotel room with a very, very meager budget.  I told him that if I had more, I would do more.   Then I remembered I had some lollipops and a case of water in my car.  I offered them to him so that he could share them with his 6 and 3 year old children.  He cried again.  I told him I needed a hug and how thankful I was to have met him.  He clung to me and cried his heart out.  He continued to thank me and I continued to tell him it was not necessary.  He walked off with his little container of gas and case of water.  I filled my tank and was about to leave when my kids reminded me that they wanted some McDonalds which happened to be next door to that gas station.  I saw Johnny walking in that Vegas heat.  I watched him walk as I sat in line to order.  I heard my heart again.  It asked me to get him and his family a small meal.  I know I couldn't afford much but at least I had a roof over our heads, a full tank of gas, and some groceries in our fridge.  So I got him some nuggets and burgers.  The line took much longer than I expected and he was out of sight by the time I was done.  It was then I sent up a request to Creation to help me find him... because I NEEDED to know for my own selfish reasons that he and his children ate dinner tonight.

It didn't take me long to see him trudging along with his heavy load in the hot desert sun.  I had to make a u-turn to get to where he was.  He saw me pull over.  I told him I got his family a small meal and that I needed to drive him to them... that he spent enough time in the heat.  He insisted it wasn't too far and that he could walk it.  I insisted I NEEDED him to let me do this.  He got in our car and was just overwhelmed.  In the 2 mins it took me to get him to his family, he told me more about his situation.  He shared how last night, he had convinced himself that God is not real... but today, everything he had asked for, I had given him- gas, water, and McDonald's chicken nuggets that his son had begged him for before he fell asleep in a hot car.  I told him God is very much real and that every word has been heard, every one of his tears counted, and that he wasn't being punished... he was being prepared for what is to come.  I told him this lesson was nearly done and goodness will fill his heart again.  I told him he matters.  I told him he is loved.  I gave him my number so that if he needed an ear, I have 2 that listen very well.  He hugged me again and cried.  I felt him release his hurts to God.  I felt him open space for love to enter.

I was born from fire today, forged like steel.  I'm sure he doesn't realize the fire of his pain gave birth to me today.  I was reborn of his sadness and cleansed by his tears.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay him for how much he quietly did for me this afternoon.  My heart needed this.  I needed this.  I needed to know I can be reborn.   I needed to know that I am NOT all out of love.  I needed to know I still overflow with the love of creation.  I needed to know I can rise above this human experience and continue to honor my true self and my celestial obligations.  That broken little girl, she is asleep safely tucked in the warmth of my love.  I am not her, she is not me.  I am here in this life to serve humanity and spread love.  It is what I will do.  I embrace this journey and the beauty of my struggle.  I gained a brother today.  He gave me the gift of peace in my heart.  For that, I will forever be grateful and I will never forget Johnny.