Today marks the time of year when most of us will focus on the person we are in a relationship with or focus on the fact that we are single and somehow unlucky in love. We are bombarded with commercial gimmicks to make us feel our love is some how untrue if we do not succumb to the obligation of purchasing things that are nothing more than just things. Those of us who aren’t currently dating are often left to feel so ridiculously unloveable. Does any of this make sense? To me, it doesn’t.
I come from an old school of thought where every day is lived like a celebration- every moment is used to make the ones I care about feel very much loved, appreciated, and so deeply cherished. I celebrate each day as though it were the greatest moment for I know far too well how it feels to be in that dark pit of despair. I have recently revisited the lesson of self love and have come to remember how deep those wounds are when they ripped back open.
Today, I decided, will be a day I remember to make myself my own priority and love. I’m choosing today to be a day spent choosing myself and remembering how much I need to value me. I’m looking back over these past few months and see how much has changed within me. As much as it hurt me, as destroyed as I felt, I needed these hurts. They have been the very fuel that launched me forward in my spiritual growth and journey.
Before the start of the events stemming back to this past July, I am certain I had love for myself. There is no way I could have spread love and dropped love bombs the way I was doing if I didn’t. Initially, I had assumed I had fooled myself into thinking I never even knew what self love was and that I had been a fraud making others think I was spreading love. I felt I was spreading a lie, a fractal of me that was meticulously designed to create a sense of spiritual superiority. By December I fully believed this theory and fully hated myself for it.
Looking back, I’m realizing I needed to see these things in that light. I needed to experience the resurfacing of childhood programming. I needed this gift only my own mother could give me. It was an extremely painful gift but the result of it is nothing short of a miracle. I still am not quite sure how I survived this level of silent devastation.
One by one I burned each bridge until I was certain I was an island unto myself. Any bridge that resisted the burning I took an axe to and just obliterated. Any who meant anything to me had to go so I could hurt in silence. I needed to feel the reality of not being lovable- because from childhood, this was pounded into my head. I clung on to the fictitious belief that any who feigned love for me was simply doing so to benefit from me somehow. Not many know exactly what the scope of my extrasensory abilities are but the few who I allowed into my heart knew and I convinced myself that they only stayed because they knew and wanted to benefit from it.
It was such a lonely feeling. I don’t know if I have ever felt that alone in my life. To be in a plane full of my soul tribe and still feel so utterly alone was probably the final crushing blow. I want to say I died a spiritual death but I didn’t. I clung to that pain and I felt every last drop of it. I punished myself that way. I liken it to pouring salt into a deep wound and using lemons to clean it out. I still truly have no idea how I managed to recenter. It seems as though I just woke up one day and said, “ENOUGH! Pain, transmute to fuel and let me burn bright!!”
Not long after that, I was able to see what this dark night of my soul was about. I needed to remind myself in probably the most painful way how very capable I am of functioning solo. I do not need another whether it be a soul mate, or twin flame, or twin ray, or any other new age label that carries the implications that I am some how not whole in myself. It has been years upon years of my searching for these assumed missing fractals of myself that has kept me from realizing I have been whole this entire time. Any who joins me on this journey simply serves to add color and dimension. They are not the missing parts of me. I am not missing anything. I am whole in my light and darkness, my abilities and weaknesses. I am whole. I am ME. I am an evolution of self, born of the involution of Soul.
I won’t paint this rosy picture. I still hurt. I still am very much in a state of pain. Learning this lesson cost me my relationship with my mother and nearly all of my most valued friends… but I could no longer sustain that which did not resonate with my evolved truth. I cannot make apologies for being flawed, losing control, and being unavailable to others as I work on Self. I finally have myself calibrated to the frequency that which benefits me most on the journey and I will always make it a point to repel any who seek to make me feel as though I am not enough, too much, not whole in myself, or need to feel shame and apologize for being authentically me. No more. I no longer care about the labels. It does not matter to me whether you are my mother, my spouse, my soul mate, my twin flame, my best friend, my soul tribe… love me as I am in my totality or I will choose to love you from afar. Love can never be lost with me. I will always choose to love… love those who fuel my fire, those who tenderly hold me as I fall apart, and those who left as soon as the convenience was gone. Love to you always. Nothing but love to you for teaching me and adding all the colors you have added to this journey.
This isn’t even about forgiveness. It is about acceptance of self. That may be the deepest and most profound type of self love there is. I’m unsure still as I am currently exploring it. It is helping me fully embrace my journey and the beauty inside me. Even my ugly is beautiful. This life is not a totality of me as a Soul. This life is a beautiful experience of pain and pleasure, an involution for the sake of evolution, the much needed expansion of Soul. It is a lesson in releasing and trusting in the knowledge of Soul. I fully trust Soul. I am Soul. I trust myself. I love myself. I love each of you whether we are able to rebuild those bridges or not for you are within me always, tucked away in one of the safest corners of my heart. The sweetness in me, like pure sugar cane, can always turn the salty lemons into lemonade. I have collected my tears in cups these past few months. I think in time, I shall offer them as the sweetest of lemonade to those who need replenishment. Not quite yet but soon. I am still very much needing to swim in my own juices, bathed by the oceans within my heart. My return is inevitable, though. I cannot deny my need and desire to spread love. I already feel it booming inside my chest. Settle down, Heart. Soon, we will do what we came to do- shine in the darkness so all can find their way back Home.
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