Born from Fire

I died the morning of July 4, 2015.  The part of me that believed in the inherent goodness of people, the inherent trust you give family, the part that believed love could fix everything... that part died.  From the rubble emerged the broken little girl who never felt loved, always felt like a burden, and believed wholeheartedly that humanity would be better off without her in it.  I was floundering in an ocean of sadness and, to be honest, I welcomed for the sting of the sad waters to fill my lungs and end all of this.   I cried my heart out that day for reasons that don't need to be rehashed.  I cried until my eyes felt damaged in their sockets.  I cried until I eventually burst a blood vessel in my eye.

Every morning after, I would force myself up... quietly whispering how my children still need me, my husband still wants me.  It was enough to get me through that week and a few days.  I eventually just felt numb.  My new mantra became "Nobody cares so why the hell should I?"  I tried to force my heart not to care.  Ten days felt like an eternity.

Last night, walking through the Vegas strip I saw a man inebriated and laying in his own puddle of urine.  So many people just walked right past him either in disgust that he was there or they truly didn't care.  I hurt so deeply.  I had to fight not to sit by him and ask him "Brother, how can I help you?  How can I show you how much you mean to humanity?  How can I honor you?"  I walked past him with tears in my eyes that I swallowed quietly.  But I did it.  I was able to force myself not to care.  It was like a small victory of sorts.  That's what I tried to convince myself it was.

Today I had to stop and get gas before going out.  I don't know why but I insisted on going to a gas station that was in the complete opposite direction of where I needed to go.  It just felt like where I needed to go to get gas I guess.  Well, at least that's what I told myself.  I got out to start pumping and this man approached me.  He began with "I'm not asking for money.  Please, I just need a little gas. My car ran out of gas and I just need a little gas. Please.  I don't want money or anything. I swear I will pay you back. I'll even give you my driver's license... whatever you want."  I turned him away.  I explained I had no cash and was on a very tight budget.  He walked away.  I felt horrible but it was the truth.  I really was on such a tight budget with absolutely no cash and a car full of kids waiting for me.  So I went to pump gas and this darn pump just refused to fill my tank.  The whole time I was thinking I needed to help him but I kept refusing.  "No. You have your own problems."  I kept telling myself but I just kept hearing my heart say even louder "THIS is not who you are.  He IS YOUR PROBLEM. HELP HIM."  So I looked around to see if anyone had helped him and nobody had.  I called him over and told him "Well, the gas won't go in my tank so I'm assuming Creation is trying to tell me you need this gas more than me."  He thanked me profusely and began to sob.  He then began to tell me his situation.

"I'm so embarrassed... I can't even look at you.  Thank you so much.  You have no idea what I'm going through right now.  I just... thank you.  I can't even look at you... you must think I'm some drug addict.  I'm not this person.  I've never lived like this... it's just... I've been living in my car with my kids for 3 mos and my car ran out of gas this morning.  My wife and I have been asking people to help with gas since 9am and nobody would. (it was about 4:30pm at that point)  My kids are sleeping in the car right now.  Please, take my information and I swear, I will pay you back when I can."

I told him it wasn't necessary.  I told him I was sorry I turned him away at first because I know his struggle... that we are currently living in a hotel room with a very, very meager budget.  I told him that if I had more, I would do more.   Then I remembered I had some lollipops and a case of water in my car.  I offered them to him so that he could share them with his 6 and 3 year old children.  He cried again.  I told him I needed a hug and how thankful I was to have met him.  He clung to me and cried his heart out.  He continued to thank me and I continued to tell him it was not necessary.  He walked off with his little container of gas and case of water.  I filled my tank and was about to leave when my kids reminded me that they wanted some McDonalds which happened to be next door to that gas station.  I saw Johnny walking in that Vegas heat.  I watched him walk as I sat in line to order.  I heard my heart again.  It asked me to get him and his family a small meal.  I know I couldn't afford much but at least I had a roof over our heads, a full tank of gas, and some groceries in our fridge.  So I got him some nuggets and burgers.  The line took much longer than I expected and he was out of sight by the time I was done.  It was then I sent up a request to Creation to help me find him... because I NEEDED to know for my own selfish reasons that he and his children ate dinner tonight.

It didn't take me long to see him trudging along with his heavy load in the hot desert sun.  I had to make a u-turn to get to where he was.  He saw me pull over.  I told him I got his family a small meal and that I needed to drive him to them... that he spent enough time in the heat.  He insisted it wasn't too far and that he could walk it.  I insisted I NEEDED him to let me do this.  He got in our car and was just overwhelmed.  In the 2 mins it took me to get him to his family, he told me more about his situation.  He shared how last night, he had convinced himself that God is not real... but today, everything he had asked for, I had given him- gas, water, and McDonald's chicken nuggets that his son had begged him for before he fell asleep in a hot car.  I told him God is very much real and that every word has been heard, every one of his tears counted, and that he wasn't being punished... he was being prepared for what is to come.  I told him this lesson was nearly done and goodness will fill his heart again.  I told him he matters.  I told him he is loved.  I gave him my number so that if he needed an ear, I have 2 that listen very well.  He hugged me again and cried.  I felt him release his hurts to God.  I felt him open space for love to enter.

I was born from fire today, forged like steel.  I'm sure he doesn't realize the fire of his pain gave birth to me today.  I was reborn of his sadness and cleansed by his tears.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay him for how much he quietly did for me this afternoon.  My heart needed this.  I needed this.  I needed to know I can be reborn.   I needed to know that I am NOT all out of love.  I needed to know I still overflow with the love of creation.  I needed to know I can rise above this human experience and continue to honor my true self and my celestial obligations.  That broken little girl, she is asleep safely tucked in the warmth of my love.  I am not her, she is not me.  I am here in this life to serve humanity and spread love.  It is what I will do.  I embrace this journey and the beauty of my struggle.  I gained a brother today.  He gave me the gift of peace in my heart.  For that, I will forever be grateful and I will never forget Johnny.